Purportedly Ostensible

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Sunday, February 22, 2009

They're obviously cool, if you've never heard of them.

So, back in the stone ages that were my high school years, I knew this very rockabilly kid; actual, factual duck-tail 'do, Fender Highway work-shirts and these black and white wingtips that I kinda coveted.

It's lunch-time, and I'm sitting at my usual place in the library (a north-east corner table, Dewy Decimal section 130), when a back-pack slams down in front of me. I look up, and it's Mr. Swamp-Rock himself, an expression of utter disgust on his face. "Ehf'n John Hughes", he mutters, slumping down into a seat.

"Huh?" I say.

"It's Molly Ringwald's fault, too," he says. "Ehf'n Ringwald."

"Ah," I say, because it feels like he needs it.

He grunts at me, and I put down The Great Orm Of Loch Ness (West High had an awesomely weird library) and put on my "I'm listening" face.

"Guess what I heard in third today," he says. "Just guess."

He spares himself my attempts at guessing by jumping right into the exposition. "Chantelle Godfrey was singing the Rave-Ups!"

My utter lack of comprehension must've shown on my face, so he continues. "I asked her where she heard them and she proceeds to tell me- me- about them; how they were this band that were discovered-" and here he manages to make "discovered" sound sexually transmissible "-for Pretty in Pink." He rolls his eyes. "Like heck!"

He'd played their Town & Country for me last summer, so I knew Chantelle had to have her facts at least a little mixed up.

"Did you tell her they've been out for a while now?" I ask.

"That's not even the point! She shouldn't even know about them! Chantelle Godfrey isn't The Rave-Ups! She's... she's Chicago! She's Bon Jovi. She's The ehf'n Jets!"

The librarian is looking over at us now, readying her shushing finger, and my rockabilly associate sinks further into his seat, red-faced.

"But you like the Rave-Ups, right?" I say, after a moment’s hesitation. "Aren't you happy they're getting out there?"

He stares across the table at me, his eyes narrowing in frank disdain for my all-too-apparent lack of understanding.

“You just don’t get it,” he says. “How can they be cool if everyone likes them?”

I frown, pretty sure I don’t know how to answer that. It couldn't be more obvious that I didn’t “get” cool, but it seemed to me that was sorta what happened if you were cool… that people liked you. I shrug my shoulders and pick my book up again.

The librarian’s aide is pushing a book cart towards our table. She’s an older woman, probably the mother of one of our fellow students. She nears us, and it’s plain to hear her humming “Positively Lost Me” under her breath.

Kid Rockabilly glares at the aide, and then at me. He rubs his hands through his duck-do and growls.

“Mother-ehf’n John Hughes.”

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Dear Katie White,

Katie...

I'm not sure how to say this. I mean, you've been my imaginary blonde British rock and roll girlfriend for months now. You with your modest yet funky bohemian wardrobe, that poor man's "Kristen Bell" thing you've got going on and all those crazy, awkward dance moves. How could I not have been drawn to you? Seriously. I was a goner from word go.

I've... I've been thinking a lot lately about all the time we've spent together; the long days at work, the drives down to Richfield, the hours you 've sat with me in my living room as I tried teaching myself how to bang out the first few bars of "Great DJ" on my cruddy Squire... I will cherish all of this more than you will ever know.

That's why it kills me to say this. You remember Ritzy? Ritzy Bryan, that kid who used to sing for that quartet out of North Wales, Sidecar Kisses? Right! The blonde with the button nose. That's her. Well...

I'm just going to come out and say it. Rip the Band-Aid off all in one go, right?

Okay. She and I have been hanging out a lot, lately. She came around a few weeks ago, singing this song, "Cradle", and, man, I've been digging it. And she's smart and she's funny and she's got this cute little bob and this crazy Welsh accent and...

So, yeah. I know. I know I'm a jerkface. I'm a fickle, flighty jerkface who never deserved you as an imaginary blonde British rock and roll girlfriend. I never wanted to hurt you, but--

I think... well, we've talked it over and I think she's going to be my new imaginary blonde British rock and roll girlfriend. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.



P.S. Neko? My marriage to your voice... we're... we're totally still on for that, right?

Sunday, February 01, 2009

It's that time of the year again!

Man. Folks are so excited around here it's almost palpable! There's an electric feeling that hits everybody this time of the year, and it's kind of inspiring how the whole nation just kind of catches fire with the anticipation! I know it's not even necessary to mention it, really, but I'm gonna blog about it anywa--

What? I-- You're kidding, right? No. No, I'm not talking about your, your Wonder Bowl or your Super Game or whatever it is you kids are calling it this year. For Pete's sake! And by the way? Say what you want about American football, but it's kinda funny to me how some of the most fiercely heteronormative guys I know get all worked up to see a bunch of muscley, sweaty men in crazy-tight pants slam into each other repeatedly with a huge helping of buttocks slapping for the after show.* I'm just sayin'.

But it's not that. No.

I'm talking about Goopher Day's Eve, when Ralph the Grumpy Green Goopher loads up bags of goodies into his 1989 Ford Festiva and drives about, delivering them to all the boys and girls around the land** who didn't vote for anyone from the Dialectical Materialist party***. Which, y'know, usually covers a good deal of folks.

Um.

Anyway, I'm about to wander off to perform my own Goopher Day's Eve duties, but I thought I'd share this year's card with all who'd care to see it. (Which, I realize is pretty silly, because, hey! Who doesn't get a Goopher Day card, right? See? Silly.)


The clever inscription inside the card reads: "Meh. I guess it's not that bad. Last year the Micronauts threw a three-day kegger inside my mini-fridge." Hilarious!


* Fine. Yes, I'm bitter, okay? Ultimate Frisbee and my American Floobie-Noobie League never really took off, and, frankly? I blame American football.
** "Around the land" usually encompases about a 40 mile radius, realtively centered on the Goopher's current location. Hey, we can't all have Santa's budget.
*** I have tried several times to get the Goopher to take a more apolitical stance, but he, as are most goophers, is staunchly anti-neo-marxist. Go figure.